Will there ever be a valid explanation for this chaos I call life?
Don’t get me wrong, having been given the gifts of free-thinking and will, I am all too well aware of the fact that the choices I make are my own.
I hope that something gets better one day, ’cause this shit has got to improve. Won’t be long before there’s nothing else I can lose and I’m tired.
I’m barely holding on these days. My fingers are getting sore. I’ve lost my grip and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Don’t let me drown..
Don’t let my die away..
Don’t let me fade into the nothing of the darkness in my soul..
If I showed you my teardrops
Would you catch them like rain?
Maybe store them in jars
That are labeled with PAIN..
Would you follow their tracks
From my eyes down my cheeks
As they tell all the stories
That I’ll never speak.
Would you stop them with kisses?
A hand in my hair?
As you whisper that life
Wouldn’t always be fair.
If I showed you my teardrops
Would you show me your own?
So that when I am lonely,
I’m not so alone..
My ex husband was an asshole. Plain and simple. He was rude and he was mean and he had a raging temper that he couldn’t control. Not at first, of course, but the signs were all there. I just couldn’t see it.. or maybe I didn’t want to. I don’t know.. But even now, ten years later, I can remember being thankful that at least I always knew what he was feeling and what to expect. I can still hear his mom saying, “Hey, are you married? Then you’d better learn how to deal with him.”
I tried. I really did. I stuck it out for a long time in ways I never will again. I almost lost myself before I found the strength to walk away.
Lately I find myself looking around at how much things have changed since I left. How much I’ve changed.. I’m not even the same person anymore. It took me 30 years to realize I had any worth at all, and I won’t go back on that for anyone no matter how much I love them or want their attention.
What I want matters.
How I feel matters.
If it doesn’t.. then I guess I’m not where I should be.
I’ve been remarried for a while and now and live a different life. My husband and I have our moments, of course, but we’re a team. A package deal. We just work..
I’m worth more than this..
The silence between us has grown over time and it has finally become something else. It used to be one of my favorite things about us, and, more often than not, one of the reasons we’ve worked out so well.. At this point it’s suffocating. Almost like the elefant in the room is using my air and I can’t breathe freely anymore….
But how do we fix it? I don’t think it’ll take all that much if we want the same things and we usually do…
Don’t you miss coming home to the noise in our house? Don’t you miss hearing kids down the hall? Looking back through the years we’ve spent sharing our lives I see joy, I see tears, I see love in your eyes. Do you see things like I do? Are you still all in? You’re so distant and somber these days..
Are you happy beside me the way you once were? Do you still want to be here with me? ‘Cause I miss you..