Unsent Letters. (What would you do?) 09•08•2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

Today was just one of those days, wasn’t it? From beginning to end the whole thing sucked. I somehow pretty much cried myself awake, and then my little girl cried herself to sleep.

Why is that? Do you know? Cuz there’s just no good answer – not that I can see anyway.

There’s no good reason for any of this. Ever. And yet it happens again and again.

I wish I had a solution for us.. for all this arguing and all the hurt.. though I’m not really sure it would help anymore; after having been pushed so far away for so long…

But my honest dilemma.. the one in my heart, is my little girl feeling unloved. She’s been telling me so for too long and I can’t just dismiss how she feels.

I’ve been treating her like she’s just some spoiled brat and not taking the time out to listen. Ive defended her actions but taken your side and for that she thinks I’m choosing you.. and she’s been right.

All this time..

For the last couple months I’ve been trying to step back; get an actual look at what is. It’s unfortunate really, that I couldn’t see it til now..

I hate you because you don’t love her.

I hate me because I ignored it.

I’m done.

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Fantasies of a Stressed out Mom

TEENAGER (by definition)

{WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY} – Any person between the ages of 13 and 19.

{URBAN DICTIONARY} – God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

The reality of it all is that teenagers suck (usually from a couple of years before until a couple of years after the actual teens). And while I’m pretty sure this has been one of those undisputed-since-the-beginning-of-time facts that most red blooded Americans should already know, we just don’t seem to think about it until it’s right there in our faces..

WTH?

Where’s the survival instinct? The authority? The RESPECT?

It’s gone, that’s where.

Kids these days are born into what I like to call the Age of Entitlement. Everybody owes them something just for being alive.. it’s kinda suck-ish, really, and an absolute shame.

But what do we do? Hell, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do at this point.

Suddenly the adults are all acting just as badly as their kids. We have riots and school shootings and movie theater massacres like once a month… And the suicide rate. Don’t get me started on that shit… Yet it’s all for what? Because someone’s momma wasn’t pay enough attention? Or someone’s girlfriend didn’t want to go to the prom? There are umpteenth new and extraordinarily profound reasons for it all nowadays, and I can’t find the validity in any of them. They’re just kids. Spoiled little hormonal buttheads that think they rule the world because we don’t tell them any different. It’s funny, but looking back I can’t remember anyone ever having to tell me such things….

Still, at the risk of running slightly long winded today I’ve got to take a few minutes (or years) to touch on the subject of my own teenagers. I have been absolutely blessed to have raised, or had a hand in raising, an amazing group of not-so-tiny humans.

Between us, my husband and I have six kids.. and with the exception of one, they have all managed to grow and mature into smart, beautiful, contributing members of society. Don’t get me wrong, that one just so happens to be beautiful and smart (and way too much like her mother) but she also has an attitude thats so incredibly large it casts a literal shadow over everything it touches.

It’s distracting, and so ugly it actually takes something from her… I can’t quite describe it, but if you have teenagers of your own you probably know what I mean..

Teenagers are scary. Like Mr. Gump’s widely known Box of Chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.. I’ve tried my best to curb the enthusiasm she seems to have for feeding the beast inside of her but nothing helps. I can ground her, take her phone, strip her bedroom, blah blah blah.. I get nothing. No reaction. No tears. No improvement. Just a blank face and a monotone voice that breaks my heart in a thousand new ways every time it comes around.

I guess I’m bitching. It’s been a bad week.

Any advice?

What Is.. · Just An Afterthought

Being a mother has been the most thankless, heartbreaking, under appreciated job I’ve ever had….
A few days ago I began a post with this. It’s still true, don’t misunderstand me, but what I failed to say was that motherhood has also been the most amazing, rewarding, blessed, crazy adventure I could have ever dreamed of and I am endlessly proud of the job I have done. While the teenage years have been lost among the random moments of anger and frustration, they have also been filled with laughter and friendship and pride.
I am proud of my children, and of my husband’s children too. They’ve managed to become bright, worthwhile young adults and while I don’t always like them, I will certainly always love them. The successes and failures I might dwell on today will soon enough be looked upon as lessons learned.
I was hurt and I was angry when I said what was said, and I’m entitled to my feelings. I won’t apologize for that. But it wasn’t the first time and it sure won’t be the last.
Yes, they break my heart now and again but without them I would have no heart to break.

What is..

….

Being a mother has been the most thankless, heartbreaking, under appreciated job I’ve ever had. They don’t tell you that part in those  books for new parents, but it would be nice if they did. You know, maybe some kind of a “Two Sides To Every Story” themed book. Or maybe “What To Expect From Your Teenager”.. That would’ve been great right about now. 

But no, here I am, nursing my feelings yet again.. I mean really. What the hell? It’s like kids these days sit down and practice this stuff like it’s a sport. I don’t know..

Things were different when my girls were still little. I made a lot of mistakes but they loved me anyway and it showed. They were so full of life, I thought I’d never need anyone but then. 

These days it’s anyone’s guess what they’ll do from one minute to the next. It’s mind boggling sometimes.. I get a headache just thinking about it. Maybe I did something wrong? 

I Hope So…. 

She moved out today. 

She was so excited about finally getting out of my house and into an apartment with her best friend that I don’t think she noticed her sisters at all .. She just went on and on about where she would put things and how she could have her boyfriend over whenever she wanted while Makayla stuck around and help when she could, probably hoping that her sister might invite her to her place. 

The way Autumn sprung it on her out of nowhere when she got off the bus this afternoon, I was surprised Makayla wasn’t being a jerk.. But she didn’t get pissy or cry or make comments at all – I was honestly kind of impressed.. I’d been expecting a tantrum and got quiet politeness instead. It was weird.
And then she was gone. Autumn gave me her key and gave Gracie a hug and then left. 

She’s not coming back in the morning. She’s not eating supper with us tonight. She’s found her own path and she doesn’t need me holding her hand anymore.

I hope she does well on her own. I hope it’s everything she always dreamed it’d be. I’ll miss having her here..

Last-Kid-In-The-House-Perks.. 


I spent today in town with my two youngest girls. I’d heard there was a sale going on at Rue21 and since it’s just about time to start school shopping we jumped on it. 

With a savings of about $150.00, she bought 1 dress, 1 pair of jeans, 2 flannel shirts, 4 hooded shirts, 1 sweater, 1 3/4 length sleeve shirt, 1 short sleeve shirt and a pair of snazzy sunglasses for…… (drumroll please)……. $55.00 and change. 

That’s the stuff. 

And it happened in less than an hour, without trying on a single thing. 

BAM!