I could use a good challenge…

• Describe a moment from today that you would like to remember always •

Challenge chosen at random..

Miss Gracie fell asleep in the back of my car while driving home from New Orleans this afternoon. I can’t honestly come up with a handful of times when that’s happened..

I turned around to put my jacket underneath her sleepy head and she stirred and smiled at me just like an angel..

With her eyes at half mast beneath a halo of hair, she all but glowed in a humidity that could only have been born in the South.

She looked so peaceful.

And content.

And I felt my heart swelling within me..

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I think..?

There are far better days ahead than those we leave behind us. – C. S. Lewis

* * * *

In recent months, after a couple of really long years – years spent being summarily dismissed and ignored – I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely possible to love another person without liking them even a little..

This, as a whole, makes horribly sad on so many levels that it’s almost indescribable. As I’ve heard it said, I can’t believe my knight in shining armor turned out to be such an asshole.. No, the saying actually refers to a retard in tin foil, but you get my drift..

I mean, what the Hell happened? Where did he go to, and Please Lord, WHY??

Did I do something wrong? Because , well, not to be super obvious, but if he’d just freaking tell me, then I’d know..

It’s like I’ve dropped the proverbial ball and now I’m being punished for some bad decision I can’t remember making somewhere down the line. How am I supposed to fix that? Ummmmm…. I’m not.

But I would if I could..

Sadly, I must be a glutton for punishment ’cause I’m still here.

✨”So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” — Stephen Chbosky✨

Life over here

Life is short. Too short, really…  Filled with fleeting and precious moments that often dazzle and disappear before your eyes can fully adjust to their glow. It’s not fair, really. Not if you sit down and think about it. All the struggles and triumphs. All the good times and the bad.. It doesn’t mean anything. We’re all just trudging through our days while doing everything we can to keep our lives straight. And most of us are failing. Sad, isn’t it? that in this day and age,  an age that ought to be filled with truly endless possibility, we tend to spend our time on bitching and not blessing..  What a waste.

Maybe 

it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time for a new way of thinking and doing and living this life. I don’t know what to think or expect from myself but I’m willing..

Love is..

..knowing someone in every way. In all their amazingness and all their flaws.

..being able to see without looking and feel without touching.

..it’s choosing to serve another person for as long as you can in spite of their mistakes and the darkness in their heart. 

..love is beautiful and amazing. 

..love is patient and kind. 

..love is fearing the unknown and defying the urge to jump ship..

Who Is This Girl??

​This is Makayla (there in the middle) with Gracie (on the right) and Bri (on the left) making videos with an app called Musical.ly. It’s the new thing these days, I guess. Makayla spends hours in her bedroom singing and dancing with herself while making these videos. I love them. This is who she is when she’s alone. I don’t know this girl, but I’d like to. 

​ 

She is talented and beautiful and changing so damn fast. I wish I knew this girl..this side of her..the side she keeps to herself. 

2016 has been a year of change. More change than I’m used to. The kids are growing up and becoming strangers. In so many ways I hardly know them anymore. The twins are both living full time at their momma’s house, Autumn is on the verge of moving out into her first apartment and starting community college, and Makayla, she’s an enigma at this point. 

Gone is the little girl I once knew, and in her place is this crabby, smart-mouthed teenager that I don’t know and honestly don’t like very much. When did this happen? Six months ago she still wore glasses and had braces and wanted me to do her laundry. Nowadays it’s a federal offense to open her door without knocking. 

What happened? When did I become the enemy? If you count the twins (and believe me, they spent enough time with me to count), this will be the fourth child to mutate into teenager-ism under my watchful mom-eyes. Where did I go wrong?

The twins, thank goodness, came with their own mother so there was someone to fall back on when I was in over my head. And Autumn has a long time stepmom, so there’s been constant support there as well. I don’t have these luxuries when it comes to Makayla. I wish I did. 

Makayla’s “father” (the sperm donor, as she likes to call him) lives in San Diego, California and has chosen not to be an active participant in her every day life. She turned six during the last summer she spent with him and he has no idea who she is anymore. Dratton does the best he can, but she’s never been all that receptive to his role as her stepdad. She says she has me, and that’s enough. 

It’s funny, but despite her incessant attitude and the enormous chip on her shoulder, if you were to ask any of our other children they would probably tell you Makayla is my favorite. 

Wonders never cease….