DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..
I think it’s funny sometimes, that after ten years beside you I still don’t know all of who you are. I’ll be doing something normal that I’ve done a hundred times and out of nowhere you say I’ve been doing it wrong.. like talking or cooking or brushing my teeth… (Ok, so maybe not brushing my teeth, but you get me, I’m sure)
After eight whole years of “that was good, thank you” i find you like your chops to be fried hard.
Or how ’bout your saying you don’t “like that look” (referring to cowgirl boots and short skirts) a couple of months after I showed up to the courthouse in a little white dress and my mommas boots?
We were watching Road House. Sam Elliot and the blonde chick were dancing in a diner. I was crushed.
Maybe I’ll go with like two days ago, when you told me how much you love listening to me talk and tell my stories, but that I should have enough respect not to talk about other men. (You were referring to my daughters’ dads and my boss.. really?)
No wonder you don’t talk to me anymore. Those are the only stories I have.
I guess I’ll shut up now.
Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.
For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.
He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.
I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.
I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.
To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..
I feel it..
He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.
I miss that.
I miss him.
It’s not fair….
I’m having something of a day today. Not that it was really very different from most other days.. You’d think that by now I’d be used to my life, and I guess for the most part I am. But sometimes it gets me, and I feel alone and it sucks.
Being a mom is just about the only thing I’ve ever done right, and I’m proud of the job that I’ve done. I’ve made a LOT of mistakes and I’ve fallen more times than I thought I’d come back from, but I never gave up on myself or my kids and I’d do it again if I could.
Then there are days like today, when nothing feels right, and I wish I could go back to bed.. But I can’t, of course, not when there’s still so much stuff left to do and without me it wouldn’t get done.
And I’m tired.