Unsent Letters – 06.27.2018

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

My Love.

I think it’s funny sometimes, that after ten years beside you I still don’t know all of who you are. I’ll be doing something normal that I’ve done a hundred times and out of nowhere you say I’ve been doing it wrong.. like talking or cooking or brushing my teeth… (Ok, so maybe not brushing my teeth, but you get me, I’m sure)

But seriously.

After eight whole years of “that was good, thank you” i find you like your chops to be fried hard.

Or how ’bout your saying you don’t “like that look” (referring to cowgirl boots and short skirts) a couple of months after I showed up to the courthouse in a little white dress and my mommas boots?

We were watching Road House. Sam Elliot and the blonde chick were dancing in a diner. I was crushed.

Maybe I’ll go with like two days ago, when you told me how much you love listening to me talk and tell my stories, but that I should have enough respect not to talk about other men. (You were referring to my daughters’ dads and my boss.. really?)

No wonder you don’t talk to me anymore. Those are the only stories I have.

I guess I’ll shut up now.

– A

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Randomness

Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.

For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.

He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.

LOL..

I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.

I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.

Geez.

To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..

How awful..

I feel it..

He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.

I miss that.

I miss him.

It’s not fair….

I think..?

There are far better days ahead than those we leave behind us. – C. S. Lewis

* * * *

In recent months, after a couple of really long years – years spent being summarily dismissed and ignored – I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely possible to love another person without liking them even a little..

This, as a whole, makes horribly sad on so many levels that it’s almost indescribable. As I’ve heard it said, I can’t believe my knight in shining armor turned out to be such an asshole.. No, the saying actually refers to a retard in tin foil, but you get my drift..

I mean, what the Hell happened? Where did he go to, and Please Lord, WHY??

Did I do something wrong? Because , well, not to be super obvious, but if he’d just freaking tell me, then I’d know..

It’s like I’ve dropped the proverbial ball and now I’m being punished for some bad decision I can’t remember making somewhere down the line. How am I supposed to fix that? Ummmmm…. I’m not.

But I would if I could..

Sadly, I must be a glutton for punishment ’cause I’m still here.

✨”So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” — Stephen Chbosky✨

We Pray

In church, from our earliest days, we are taught to pray, and to pray about everything. For the little choices that become big decisions and the many many things that are beyond our control. For our family and friends and our
enemies, and that in prayer we are never alone. He is always listening, and even when His answer isn’t what we’d hoped to hear, it’s what we need.

These are lessons I still need to learn, or at least to be reminded of. Too often these days I find myself doing more worrying (or stressing) than praying, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe I’ve gone deaf to His answers.
Today has been one of those days where I could really use one. I’m sure
there’s a lesson here somewhere, but for the life of me I just can’t see it.

Today, for what was probably the first time ever in my years of being a parent, I was completely at a loss as to how I could help my child. It was one of the more heart shattering moments I can say I’ve been through…
Not because of myself or my own feelings or fear, but because I could see it in her. The fear, and the hope, and how totally unfair she thinks this all is….. and then finally the resignation.

The look that said, “So this is it. This is my life.”

I’m not sure I have the words to describe how very sad this makes me..
And so I was reminded. I need to pray. For the healing of her soul, because
her body will recover in its own time, and for her heart, because sometimes it can be hard to pick up all those broken pieces by yourself…

Not too long ago she told me that the greatest compliment anyone could ever give her was to say that she’s just like me. If only she knew that she is already so much more.

All my love..

Written August 2015. The morning after my daughter found out she had cancer…

Love is..

..knowing someone in every way. In all their amazingness and all their flaws.

..being able to see without looking and feel without touching.

..it’s choosing to serve another person for as long as you can in spite of their mistakes and the darkness in their heart. 

..love is beautiful and amazing. 

..love is patient and kind. 

..love is fearing the unknown and defying the urge to jump ship..

🌛 For These Moments 🌜

This has been one hell of a year.. 

Makayla exchanged her glasses and braces for cleavage and eye liner and all-day-long-selfies, she failed her first class and officially became a teenager. She’s begun making choices and wizening up and I’m proud of the tomorrow’s it looks like she’s chosen. 

Autumn Michelle turned 18, got a nursing job, graduated high school, had another cancer scare – and then another miracle, moved out, started college and impressed her whole world. It all happened so fast that the “blink of an eye” part came later and haven’t quite caught my breath even now..

Maddison got her license and a job and her first car (last year, actually) then started birth control,  moved out and kinda sorta lost her way.. Lost a boy that mattered, found another, had a pretty major surgery but came out of it on top. 

Colton grew six inches overnight and stopped talking to us for the most part; we have yet to figure out exactly why but can’t help holding onto the hope that he might come around. 

Jake seems like he’s turned into a good man nowadays. He works hard and lives right and comes around often enough to make his daddy smile. 

Gracie, well Gracie turned into a little girl this year, as opposed to the baby she’s been all these years. At 7 years old she is already tall and has both her front teeth and an attitude. 

Yea.. you could say things have changed some this year..

This year we’ve grown. As a family, as individuals, as the people we were meant to be at this time in our lives. 

And I am thankful.. 

I am thankful for the bad times just as much as for the good. I am thankful for the moments of love and of laughter and of hurt (a lot of hurt..) and for the pride that overwhelms me when I look back through my days. Although it wasn’t how I’d planned it, I am thankful for the way it all played out. 

I am thankful for the little things, like really good books and how my dog is always happy to see me. For amazing summer sunsets when there’s fire in the sky; and for the dark and rainy days, because they always make me think of Winnie the Pooh and his balloon..

I am thankful for the few great people I can proudly call my friends, and that my family is just a call away.

I am thankful for my husband and for knowing that he still gets out of bed and chooses to love me every single day. I have been blessed with this life and I am thankful..