Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Will there ever be a valid explanation for this chaos I call life?

Don’t get me wrong, having been given the gifts of free-thinking and will, I am all too well aware of the fact that the choices I make are my own.

I hope that something gets better one day, ’cause this shit has got to improve. Won’t be long before there’s nothing else I can lose and I’m tired.

I’m barely holding on these days. My fingers are getting sore. I’ve lost my grip and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Don’t let me drown..

Don’t let my die away..

Don’t let me fade into the nothing of the darkness in my soul..

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Unsent Letters. (What would you do?) 09•08•2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

Today was just one of those days, wasn’t it? From beginning to end the whole thing sucked. I somehow pretty much cried myself awake, and then my little girl cried herself to sleep.

Why is that? Do you know? Cuz there’s just no good answer – not that I can see anyway.

There’s no good reason for any of this. Ever. And yet it happens again and again.

I wish I had a solution for us.. for all this arguing and all the hurt.. though I’m not really sure it would help anymore; after having been pushed so far away for so long…

But my honest dilemma.. the one in my heart, is my little girl feeling unloved. She’s been telling me so for too long and I can’t just dismiss how she feels.

I’ve been treating her like she’s just some spoiled brat and not taking the time out to listen. Ive defended her actions but taken your side and for that she thinks I’m choosing you.. and she’s been right.

All this time..

For the last couple months I’ve been trying to step back; get an actual look at what is. It’s unfortunate really, that I couldn’t see it til now..

I hate you because you don’t love her.

I hate me because I ignored it.

I’m done.

Unsent Letters 09•01•2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

I think someday you might wish you’d tried harder for me. Someday you’ll wish you had smiled at me, or just spoken your mind, maybe had some more faith, or made a little more time.. I think you’ll wonder if it might have changed things for us. If you’d bought a dozen roses for me reason or gone dancing or just held me when I cried would we still be right here? And who knows what the answer is to that? I sure don’t; but I wish to God somehow I did.. But there’s no changing it now; there’s no going back, moving on.. We’re both stuck here in the middle of what was. Hardly a shadow of what once felt like forever.. how sad is that?

I think I’ve broken my own heart… I can’t stop all this bleeding and I’m dying inside…

Stuck on stupid

Stacks of nothing fill the room from wall to wall… Little things of no consequence that probably haven’t been seen in far too long. The sweet nothings of our years that make life worth it.

I’ve been trying so hard to get back to you, Love.. Back from a nonsense unlike any I’ve seen.. and I’ve seen it all..

Somehow or another, I have got to get my world to right itself or I’ll get lost here. And I’m trying.. I really am, but it’s just not happening for me and I don’t know what to do.

I feel so stuck…

 

Unsent Letters – 06.27.2018

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

My Love.

I think it’s funny sometimes, that after ten years beside you I still don’t know all of who you are. I’ll be doing something normal that I’ve done a hundred times and out of nowhere you say I’ve been doing it wrong.. like talking or cooking or brushing my teeth… (Ok, so maybe not brushing my teeth, but you get me, I’m sure)

But seriously.

After eight whole years of “that was good, thank you” i find you like your chops to be fried hard.

Or how ’bout your saying you don’t “like that look” (referring to cowgirl boots and short skirts) a couple of months after I showed up to the courthouse in a little white dress and my mommas boots?

We were watching Road House. Sam Elliot and the blonde chick were dancing in a diner. I was crushed.

Maybe I’ll go with like two days ago, when you told me how much you love listening to me talk and tell my stories, but that I should have enough respect not to talk about other men. (You were referring to my daughters’ dads and my boss.. really?)

No wonder you don’t talk to me anymore. Those are the only stories I have.

I guess I’ll shut up now.

– A

Randomness

Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.

For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.

He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.

LOL..

I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.

I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.

Geez.

To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..

How awful..

I feel it..

He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.

I miss that.

I miss him.

It’s not fair….