Fantasies of a Stressed out Mom

TEENAGER (by definition)

{WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY} – Any person between the ages of 13 and 19.

{URBAN DICTIONARY} – God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

The reality of it all is that teenagers suck (usually from a couple of years before until a couple of years after the actual teens). And while I’m pretty sure this has been one of those undisputed-since-the-beginning-of-time facts that most red blooded Americans should already know, we just don’t seem to think about it until it’s right there in our faces..

WTH?

Where’s the survival instinct? The authority? The RESPECT?

It’s gone, that’s where. Kids these days are born into what I like to call the Age of Entitlement. Everybody owes them something just for being alive.. it’s kinda suck-ish, really, and an absolute shame.

But what do we do? Hell, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do at this point.

Suddenly the adults are all acting just as badly as their kids. We have riots and school shootings and movie theater massacres like once a month… And the suicide rate. Don’t get me started on that shit… Yet it’s all for what? Because someone’s momma wasn’t pay enough attention? Or someone’s girlfriend didn’t want to go to the prom? There are umpteenth new and extraordinarily profound reasons for it all nowadays, and I can’t find the validity in any of them. They’re just kids. Spoiled little hormonal buttheads that think they rule the world because we don’t tell them any different. It’s funny, but looking back I can’t remember anyone ever having to tell me such things….

Still, at the risk of running slightly long winded today I’ve got to take a few minutes (or years) to touch on the subject of my own teenagers. I have been absolutely blessed to have raised, or had a hand in raising, an amazing group of not-so-tiny humans.

Between us my husband and I have six kids.. and with the exception of one they have all managed to grow and mature into smart, beautiful, contributing members of society. Don’t get me wrong, that one just so happens to be beautiful and smart and way too much like her mother. Unfortunately, she also has an attitude thats so incredibly large it casts a literal shadow over everything it touches.

And no, I’m not shitting you..

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Stuck on stupid

Stacks of nothing fill the room from wall to wall… Little things of no consequence that probably haven’t been seen in far too long. The sweet nothings of our years that make life worth it.

I’ve been trying so hard to get back to you, Love.. Back from a nonsense unlike any I’ve seen.. and I’ve seen it all..

Somehow or another, I have got to get my world to right itself or I’ll get lost here. And I’m trying.. I really am, but it’s just not happening for me and I don’t know what to do.

I feel so stuck…

 

I think..?

There are far better days ahead than those we leave behind us. – C. S. Lewis

* * * *

In recent months, after a couple of really long years – years spent being summarily dismissed and ignored – I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely possible to love another person without liking them even a little..

This, as a whole, makes horribly sad on so many levels that it’s almost indescribable. As I’ve heard it said, I can’t believe my knight in shining armor turned out to be such an asshole.. No, the saying actually refers to a retard in tin foil, but you get my drift..

I mean, what the Hell happened? Where did he go to, and Please Lord, WHY??

Did I do something wrong? Because , well, not to be super obvious, but if he’d just freaking tell me, then I’d know..

It’s like I’ve dropped the proverbial ball and now I’m being punished for some bad decision I can’t remember making somewhere down the line. How am I supposed to fix that? Ummmmm…. I’m not.

But I would if I could..

Sadly, I must be a glutton for punishment ’cause I’m still here.

✨”So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” — Stephen Chbosky✨

The Story of Us

Sometimes looking back at how our story was written, I can’t help floating through the photographs imprinted in my mind.                                                                                           The day you were born.                                                                                                                 The day you turned 16 and didn’t get your drivers license… And then two months later when you finally did.                                                                                                                      The day we found out about the cancer.                                                                                      The day you graduated high school.                                                                                                  When you moved out on your own…

Being your mother has always been my greatest accomplishment.

Life over here

Life is short. Too short, really…  Filled with fleeting and precious moments that often dazzle and disappear before your eyes can fully adjust to their glow. It’s not fair, really. Not if you sit down and think about it. All the struggles and triumphs. All the good times and the bad.. It doesn’t mean anything. We’re all just trudging through our days while doing everything we can to keep our lives straight. And most of us are failing. Sad, isn’t it? that in this day and age,  an age that ought to be filled with truly endless possibility, we tend to spend our time on bitching and not blessing..  What a waste.

Maybe 

it’s time for a change. Maybe it’s time for a new way of thinking and doing and living this life. I don’t know what to think or expect from myself but I’m willing..

What it is.. (and what it isn’t..)

My ex husband was an asshole. Plain and simple. He was rude and he was mean and he had a raging temper that he couldn’t control. Not at first, of course, but the signs were all there. I just couldn’t see it.. or maybe I didn’t want to. I don’t know.. But even now, ten years later, I can remember being thankful that at least I always knew what he was feeling and what to expect. I can still hear his mom saying, “Hey, are you married? Then you’d better learn how to deal with him.”

I tried. I really did. I stuck it out for a long time in ways I never will again. I almost lost myself before I found the strength to walk away. 

Lately I find myself looking around at how much things have changed since I left. How much I’ve changed.. I’m not even the same person anymore. It took me 30 years to realize I had any worth at all, and I won’t go back on that for anyone no matter how much I love them or want their attention. 

I matter. 

What I want matters. 

How I feel matters. 

If it doesn’t.. then I guess I’m not where I should be. 


I’ve been remarried for a while and now and live a different life.  My husband and I have our moments, of course, but we’re a team. A package deal. We just work..