Unsent Letters • 10.09.2018

My Love,

It’s almost 9PM and you still haven’t gotten home from work. You left so early, you must be all but worn through.. I don’t often give you near enough credit for the work you put in for this family (I’m not sure I ever have).

I’ve been looking through old boxes and old memories and whatnot. You know.. just reading back through stuff I wrote ’cause I was too scared to say it out loud.. How I felt and what I thought and my opinions about you and who you are.. 

There’s so much love and so much anger and my God, there’s so much hurt locked up in there! – it makes me kinda glad you haven’t ever wanted to read them..

I’ve realized though that I don’t say thank you enough. Thank you for no other reason than just being yourself. I don’t stop to tell you how amazingly proud you’ve made me over the years. I’ve not yet spoken aloud about the many ways you’ve made my whole world better, for the simple fact of having you in it.. because you do…

I sure as hell don’t say I’m sorry without adding in a ‘but’, although in my defense you don’t say it at all.. 

Always, when a few well spoken words might be enough, you will choose silence. You’ve kept your silence even when I’ve all but begged to hear your voice.. though I’m not begging anymore.

In the end, it won’t be some great big distance that separates us, it will be all the silence living right here between us.

I love you anyway..

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Unsent Letters. (What would you do?) 09•08•2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

Today was just one of those days, wasn’t it? From beginning to end the whole thing sucked. I somehow pretty much cried myself awake, and then my little girl cried herself to sleep.

Why is that? Do you know? Cuz there’s just no good answer – not that I can see anyway.

There’s no good reason for any of this. Ever. And yet it happens again and again.

I wish I had a solution for us.. for all this arguing and all the hurt.. though I’m not really sure it would help anymore; after having been pushed so far away for so long…

But my honest dilemma.. the one in my heart, is my little girl feeling unloved. She’s been telling me so for too long and I can’t just dismiss how she feels.

I’ve been treating her like she’s just some spoiled brat and not taking the time out to listen. Ive defended her actions but taken your side and for that she thinks I’m choosing you.. and she’s been right.

All this time..

For the last couple months I’ve been trying to step back; get an actual look at what is. It’s unfortunate really, that I couldn’t see it til now..

I hate you because you don’t love her.

I hate me because I ignored it.

I’m done.

Randomness

Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.

For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.

He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.

LOL..

I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.

I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.

Geez.

To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..

How awful..

I feel it..

He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.

I miss that.

I miss him.

It’s not fair….

Over it..

DEVASTATION – Severe and overwhelming shock and grief….  What an amazingly accurate description.

I love my momma. Everyone does. She’s always had that.. that something that draws in people and she knows it. She uses it to get what she wants or what she needs. I didn’t see it until about halfway through my teenage years, but she’s probably been doing it forever….

She was here this past week, in Mississippi with my family. Her and Grams flew out semi last minute since Uncle Wayne was having surgery; The doctors had to remove his colon and large intestine due to the recent discovery a few rather large tumors growing there – it was kind of a big deal.. Anyway, mom stayed with me of course, while Grams stayed at Wayne’s in town. It was an awful visit. It’s hard to believe how much negativity a person can carry around without realizing it. 

How suffocating..

She hasn’t always been this way though. A while, yes, but not always.. And it almost always has to do with Grams. I guess some stuff happened a gazillion years ago and my momma just can’t seem to let it go.

I don’t know..

(This is probably going to be left unfinished for right now but I’ll get back to it..)

Unsent Letters – 08.21.2016

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

August 21, 2016

To My Autumn Michelle,
I’m dating this letter because I don’t know when I’ll finish it and I don’t want to forget where I began.. It’s been four days since you were here, and aside from a couple of meaningless texts we haven’t spoken at all. You probably think I’ll call you when I’m done being mad and so you’re waiting.. I hate to say it, but you’ll be waiting a while.. I can’t do it. I can’t keep going the way we’ve been. I don’t know who you are or how to talk to you anymore and I’m tired…

Still, there are some things I need to say and I’m just going to say them..

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was mad. Not necessarily for WHAT I said, but for HOW I said it. I won’t apologize for having feelings.

I’m sorry for making you feel like you were ever not enough. You’ve always been so much more than I had ever dared to dream.

I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could trust me when it really mattered.

I’m sorry for making you grow up so very young, though that should show you who it was that ever really had my back.

I’m sorry you were so unhappy here..

Thank you for always being someone I could be proud of, I’ve never doubted that you would be amazing.

Thank you for never giving up on me. Lord knows you probably should have more than once.

Thank you for just being you most of the time… That was all you’ve ever needed to be..

I want you to know that I’m always proud of you. Of your strength and of your determination and of the way you keep going no matter what. You’ve always been an old soul, as your Nana would say, and you’ll go far in life, no doubt.

I wish I could fix what’s been broken between us, but I don’t even know where to start.. What I do know, is that I don’t want to do this with you. I just can’t seem to get it right no matter what I do, and so I’m thinking it might be time for me to take a step back. I don’t think you have any idea how bad that sucks for me but I don’t know what else to do. I miss you more than you could ever imagine, and I have for a long time..

The other day when you left for Alabama I was really hurt. I know I didn’t marry your dad but I still love his family. Kelly was my connection to the Hartman’s too.. I had my own relationship with her and I’ll miss her. Maybe I could have handled the whole thing better, and I’m sorry for that, but I was just so blindsided by the way you did a total 180 out of nowhere. One minute you didn’t really want to go at all, and the next you were practically running out the door. I’m so sorry Gracie wanted to be with you more than she wanted a nap. I felt like I actually had to spank her so she would leave you alone and it really bothers me. I shouldn’t have to apologize or make excuses for how she feels. You’ve been a constant every day of her life and she doesn’t understand why you’re gone. She only knows you promised to come see her sometimes. She cries for you often and I can’t help it. It is what it is.

I don’t know where you and I fell apart and I’m not sure I know how to fix it. You’re right, you’ve been unhappy for a long time and I didn’t want to see it. I did the best I knew how.. And for that reason, and so many more, it’s time that I let go…. I hope I taught you enough about life, and that you’re not too proud to ask for help when you need it. I heard you loud and clear when you said that you won’t be calling me for anything so I hope you have someone. Thanks for listening. I will always love you (a million red m&m’s)

Mom

What is..

….

Being a mother has been the most thankless, heartbreaking, under appreciated job I’ve ever had. They don’t tell you that part in those  books for new parents, but it would be nice if they did. You know, maybe some kind of a “Two Sides To Every Story” themed book. Or maybe “What To Expect From Your Teenager”.. That would’ve been great right about now. 

But no, here I am, nursing my feelings yet again.. I mean really. What the hell? It’s like kids these days sit down and practice this stuff like it’s a sport. I don’t know..

Things were different when my girls were still little. I made a lot of mistakes but they loved me anyway and it showed. They were so full of life, I thought I’d never need anyone but then. 

These days it’s anyone’s guess what they’ll do from one minute to the next. It’s mind boggling sometimes.. I get a headache just thinking about it. Maybe I did something wrong?