Stacks of nothing fill the room from wall to wall… Little things of no consequence that probably haven’t been seen in far too long. The sweet nothings of our years that make life worth it.
I’ve been trying so hard to get back to you, Love.. Back from a nonsense unlike any I’ve seen.. and I’ve seen it all..
Somehow or another, I have got to get my world to right itself or I’ll get lost here. And I’m trying.. I really am, but it’s just not happening for me and I don’t know what to do.
I feel so stuck…
Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.
For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.
He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.
I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.
I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.
To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..
I feel it..
He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.
I miss that.
I miss him.
It’s not fair….
It’s hard to believe how incredibly unhappy I am with my everything nowadays. I wish I could find the answer to it all, but I cannot be expected to move mountains on my own.. I don’t want to and I shouldn’t have to.
I hurt inside..
The silence between us has grown over time and it has finally become something else. It used to be one of my favorite things about us, and, more often than not, one of the reasons we’ve worked out so well.. At this point it’s suffocating. Almost like the elefant in the room is using my air and I can’t breathe freely anymore….
But how do we fix it? I don’t think it’ll take all that much if we want the same things and we usually do…
Don’t you miss coming home to the noise in our house? Don’t you miss hearing kids down the hall? Looking back through the years we’ve spent sharing our lives I see joy, I see tears, I see love in your eyes. Do you see things like I do? Are you still all in? You’re so distant and somber these days..
Are you happy beside me the way you once were? Do you still want to be here with me? ‘Cause I miss you..