Insomnia has somehow become the story of my life. While my family sleeps I get lost in my own little world. Not doing anything, really. Reading or writing or just messing around… You know, all the little things I don’t often get to do while my girls are awake or my husband is home. I wish I could play my guitar at this hour, but Gracie would hear me and never go back to bed. Sometimes she lets me play in the afternoons, but not often. She wants to help, I think, or maybe join in.. I’m not sure but she makes it impossible to play anything. I would take it to work with me but then I wouldn’t be working, now would I?
Quality problems, as my daddy would say. If that’s all I’ve got to bitch about, well I must not be doing too badly. At least I don’t require an exorbitant amount of sleep to achieve functionality these days. I haven’t slept a full night through since we brought Miss Gracie home from the hospital, though I’m starting to feel like it might just be time to slow down.
Maybe I’m getting old.. Maybe I’m just freaking tired.. Maybe the sound of her dreams as they whisper her nonsense will keep me alive in the same way the sound of her breathing has kept me so calm..
And so I listen. To her breathing. To her laughter. To the endlessly nonsensical song she’s got stuck in her head ’cause she just wants to dance..
I’m starting to feel old inside and I’m not sure I like it. I’ve been exhausted for so long that I can’t sleep. My hands hurt and go numb while I’m driving or brushing my hair or just standing. Hell, most of the time I have problems with picking up Gracie, she’s gotten so big. I can’t go a whole day without losing my breath and it sucks but it is what it is.
I’m alive so I’ll take it.
There are stories in all of my wrinkles, and secrets in every grey hair. Every callous and stretch mark, freckle and scar tell a story of its own from my time here on Earth. There is good and there’s bad and such vast in-between to be found in the years that I’ve lived, and each one has been worth it so I won’t complain.
Today is my thirty ninth birthday. It seems like the years have begun to fly by. If I’d known that my life would turn out like it has I’d have probably taken more time to enjoy all the little stuff I can’t remember.. But I still have cause to be thankful and lessons to learn. I’ve got dreams that I’ve yet to fulfill but I also have time. I’ll get there someday, and for now I guess that’s enough…
Amber Nichole Leeg
Don’t lose yourself in the blur of the stars.
Somehow it always seems to fall apart in the end. Don’t let it.