This came up in my Facebook memories today. I took the picture 5 years ago – it’s hashtagged #iloverandomflowers. I don’t think it’s happened since, but aren’t they pretty?
I could swear that God is whispering to me. His thoughts touch everything around me.
Am I crazy?
Am I looking for some hint that He’s got something special out there for me?
It’s almost 9PM and you still haven’t gotten home from work. You left so early, you must be all but worn through.. I don’t often give you near enough credit for the work you put in for this family (I’m not sure I ever have).
I’ve been looking through old boxes and old memories and whatnot. You know.. just reading back through stuff I wrote ’cause I was too scared to say it out loud.. How I felt and what I thought and my opinions about you and who you are..
There’s so much love and so much anger and my God, there’s so much hurt locked up in there! – it makes me kinda glad you haven’t ever wanted to read them..
I don’t say thank you enough. Thank you for no reason than just being yourself. I don’t stop to tell you how amazingly proud you’ve made me over the years. I’ve not yet spoken aloud about the many ways you’ve made my whole world better, for the simple fact of having you in it. and you do…
I sure as hell don’t say I’m sorry without adding a but, although in my defense you don’t say it at all..
Always, when a few well spoken words might be enough, you will choose silence. You’ve kept your silence even when I’ve all but begged to hear your voice.. though I’m not begging anymore.
In the end, it won’t be some great big distance that separates us, it will be all the silence living right here between us.
I love you anyway..
I swear.. Couldn’t life just go a little smoother? If it’s not one thing it’s another.
Ahh, well, at least I can say I’ve learned a few things. Important things, even..
Be impressed. LOL.
First off (and I’m sure that most importantly) I’ve learned that I can’t put my trust in everyone I meet. I’m almost proud this took me 40 years to learn ’cause that just means I’ve been surrounded by good people all my life. This was a hard lesson for me, I think, because I’ve never been that girl. You know the one who lives for drama and gets into everything.. It’s simply never been my style and I’m good with that, for real.
I’ve also learned that even when I’ve known someone for years, I still don’t know them like I think I do at all. I have learned more about my husband than I did in like ten years, over the last few months since things have gone off track. Things that I wish I’d paid attention to so maybe I’d have known what was to come. I wouldn’t change a thing, don’t get me wrong, but I might be a little bit less tired.
Now last but least, well for tonight’s post anyway, I’ve learned a lot about myself and who I am. I’ve taken note of what I do and what I don’t want for my life, and I have gotten an idea of what I consider home..
I hope that’s good enough for now, because I don’t have time for more. The more I dwell on things the more they seem to suck. I am a firm believer in the truth that worry is like prayer; the time you give can change your outcome and maybe the way you fare..
Your days are yours, and only you can make them better than they are. If you’ll just do it, damnit. Do something worth doing while you’re there..
I didn’t write a letter today. I’ve tried, but I just can’t.. It seems that I can’t find the words for what I feel. It doesn’t happen very often, and I’m sure this too shall pass, but not today..
DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..
It’s October already.. Holy cow.. Its pretty crazy to think we actually made it another year.. (Although I’d say that “making it” would be a pretty strong term for what we’ve done) Its discouraging, the way things have changed between us. I wish there was some way we could go back to where we were, but we just can’t. Too much water under the bridge, I guess..
It’s sad, really, to know that when I look back over my life, the years I’ve spent here with you have been the very best that I’ve had.
You make me better in so many ways, in all the ways that really count. You gave me confidence and showed me how to change. Whether you think so it not, I have been happy with you, and I was so sure I’d be again, but at what cost?
You’re so close to miserable, baby, and that isn’t what I want. I never dreamed that things would ever get this bad.. Yet here we are, and I can’t fix it, I don’t know where I would start or if it’s possible at this point in our lives. You’ve shut me out and so I’ve done the same, but I still couldn’t tell you why things changed.
There’s so much blame, and I don’t remember anymore..
Why you’re silent. Why I’m angry. Why we’ve built up these walls that we can’t see around – not even to search for the truth..
I know I’m lonely inside. I know it feels like I’ve been letting you down. I know I miss the way it was when we met.
I know I wouldn’t take back a single solitary moment of us… ‘Cause we’re amazing when we want to be.
And we always wanted to be..
My little girl, my oldest little girl, was diagnosed with cancer back in August 2015. A papillary carcinoma on her thyroid gland. It was found quite by mistake, and with God’s arm around her shoulders she survived.
This is the letter I meant to give her five months later when she turned 18.
I reckon it’s been lost all this time..
You know, when you were born I was still a little girl in so many ways. I didn’t work or drive or even live on my own. While I had been without my own mom off and on for a few years, I’d never really had to take care of myself..
Then you came along. Tiny and helpless and completely dependent on me to do things for you that I’d never even really thought to do for myself. It was time to grow up and I was so scared..
I was so afraid I would do the wrong thing..
I’ll never forget the first time I clipped your little fingernails. I caught the skin on one of your thumbs and you bled while I cried. It felt like such a tragedy.. Such a small mistake but it felt like the end of the world.
You were so incredible, I would sit and stare at you for hours on end and write poetry for you to read when you were older. I had so many hopes and dreams for your future and I just knew someday you’d grow up to be better than me..
And you are.
From your very first coos I knew you’d sing me a song. From your first wobbly steps I knew you’d go a whole lot farther than me, and you did. At barely two you could say all of the alphabet and actually carry a tune. You’d stand in a laundry basket and tell everyone to “shh, shh, ima show you something” .. I can still hear you breaking into Somewhere Over the Rainbow like it was yesterday – I wish I still had that video Nick made.. I can still smile knowing you turned out better than the test of us did..
You had the face of an angel and a smile that could chase away the shadow of my darkest days. Nothing has changed. I look at you and all too often i still see that little girl; quiet and sweet and always so damn well behaved. Nana always says that you were born an old soul and she could see it in your eyes.
Your uncle Jason’s eyes…
When I look back over the years, both good and bad, I see so many things I’d go back and change. So many choices I would take back if I could…
But I always always loved you and I did the best I could – even though sometimes it wasn’t enough. If I could live an extra life and all the time that comes with it, I still don’t think I’d have to make up for the times I couldn’t be around when you were little.. The hundred moments that I’ve missed and I can’t ever get back. Your first day of kindergarten and losing your front teeth and starting gymnastics and probably a thousand other little things I didn’t even know I missed..
I’ll bet you remember then all.
It’s been ten years since I decided to start over. I moved here with your sister and a dream and not much else but I still made it. I hadn’t seen you in a year and you were angry with me for so many things i could never make up for.. but you still came. It was a visit that turned into a year and then a decade and I’ve loved it.
You were and when your dad didn’t come back for you after that summer was over but we got through it. And when you had to start all over with no friends in a new school we still got through it. You got glasses and got your baby teeth and you grew out before you grew up and if course we got through it.. One day I realized we had gotten through it all. From grades and boys to birth control and cancer and then some..
I will be forever grateful for the chance to watch to grow up. You have always been so much more than I’d imagined you’d and you still amaze me every single day. Soon enough you’ll find. All grown up and on the run with a life of your own and I’m not ready…I
I already miss you. Is that terrible? The older you get the led you need me and I guess that his it’s all supposed to be.
I did my job..
I raised a smart, independent woman with the ability to do anything she sets her mind to and I couldn’t be more proud..I
I love you,