Stuck on stupid

Stacks of nothing fill the room from wall to wall… Little things of no consequence that probably haven’t been seen in far too long. The sweet nothings of our years that make life worth it.

I’ve been trying so hard to get back to you, Love.. Back from a nonsense unlike any I’ve seen.. and I’ve seen it all..

Somehow or another, I have got to get my world to right itself or I’ll get lost here. And I’m trying.. I really am, but it’s just not happening for me and I don’t know what to do.

I feel so stuck…

 

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Unsent Letters • 02.26.2015

Dear Principal Rigby,

It was brought to my attention this afternoon that my daughter, Autumn Wolfe, will not be allowed to attend this year’s Senior Luncheon with her classmates. She is very upset about this. If I remember correctly we were told, by you I might add, that the luncheon would be the sole activity she would be allowed to attend as a non-active student. She was all right with this because the luncheon was the only event she actually cared about. You were very clear about the rules regarding early graduation when you explained them to us in the high school library the day we ordered her cap and gown. She wasn’t even allowed to have your school counselor help her fill out her college and financial aid applications.

While I personally found that to be a bit much, I understand that there are rules to abide by.

In saying that, let me also make you aware of the fact that these rules have only been applied to my child. I can say with absolute certainty that Kyle Staton was able to receive help with his college applications and has been allowed to attend every senior meeting held thus far. Katlyn Campbell was not kept from going to the senior prom with Marvin Norris, nor was Dalton Massey, who consequently attended with Destiny Shepherd, who also is not a current student. Destiny, in fact, actually graduated last year.

What rules were applied to those ‘non-active’ students?

In all truthfulness, I’m not often one of those mothers who feels the need to advocate for my older children in most situations. Most. In this case, unfortunately, I cannot ignore what’s been happening at your school. My daughter is a good kid, and for her to be treated the way she has been is not right. She doesn’t even know whether or not she will be graduating with honors seeing as she wasn’t able to attend or accept any academic awards this year.

Autumn has been a model student during her time in the Union School District. She’s never been in trouble, never been paddled or suspended or gotten into fights. She was an above average student and will continue to do well as she moves on to the next phase of her life.

Finishing school a semester early is an accomplishment. One she worked hard for and should be proud of. There aren’t many teenagers out there these days, or adults for that matter, who would have made it a priority to get up and go to school every morning while fighting cancer the way she did. Trust me when I tell you, by the time she’d finished her classes she was tired.

She EARNED the right to finish early and she was proud to have done it on her own.

Until today.

Today, for the first time, she showed regret for her choices. She wished for a moment that she had stuck it out and could go with her friends. She feels like she’s being punished for doing well. To be honest, that’s the way it looks.

It is not common knowledge, and I d appreciate your discretion, that after the ceremony she’ll be doing radioactive treatment for some new growth that have been found on recent scans. She is afraid and disheartened but determined to make the best of every day. She goes to work and doesn’t complain and will continue to do so because that’s who she is.

I want you to know that in writing this email I’m not asking you to give her special treatment, or to make exceptions for her that you wouldn’t make for another student. If she can’t go then she can’t go, and she won’t be left alone. There are a few who are planning to forgo the event so as not to leave her out…

I apologize if I have been untoward in any way but I have held my tongue for long enough. So I will leave you with this..

I hope the luncheon goes well. Most of these kids have been imagining the ride around since they were little. It’s tradition. Hopefully the other non-active students won’t be too disappointed about not being included seeing as everyone knew the rules and exclusions when they chose to finish their classes early.

Rules are rules.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Amber Howell

I could use a good challenge…

• Describe a moment from today that you would like to remember always •

Challenge chosen at random..

Miss Gracie fell asleep in the back of my car while driving home from New Orleans this afternoon. I can’t honestly come up with a handful of times when that’s happened..

I turned around to put my jacket underneath her sleepy head and she stirred and smiled at me just like an angel..

With her eyes at half mast beneath a halo of hair, she all but glowed in a humidity that could only have been born in the South.

She looked so peaceful.

And content.

And I felt my heart swelling within me..

I heart my dog

img_6242 I love this animal. He’s smelly, and slobbery, and he farts A LOT… but he loves me more than anything else in my life right about now.

He’s eight years old and at about 100 pounds. Miss Gracie tries to mount him like a horse every time he’s allowed in the house, LOL. She’s been trying for years but he doesn’t complain. Cooper is just kind of mellow that way; he always has been.. He didn’t even go through a real “puppy” phase that I can remember.. He doesn’t chew on our things. Or shit in our house. Or ask me for things I can’t handle. Cooper just wants some lovin’ and food, lots of food, and a fan, cuz its hot out and his butt can’t stand it.

He’s been our baby since the first time we saw him there; sitting pretty in the back of a truck on a side road in Meridian almost a decade ago..

We camped last week. A week in the camper at Lake Okatibbee with the family.. Mmmmmm, fuuuunnnn… While we were gone he was hit by a car. He;s alive but he’ll never be the same..

I’m gonna stop talking now. I apologize for my rambling. I swear I had something to say when I started, but I can’t wrap my head or my heart around this so it gets jumbled..

I’ll try again another day…

Unsent Letters – 05.26.2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

I can’t sleep.. but then I never do on days we’ve had a fight. My mind just will not stop and shut down until I find some way of getting it all out.. and so I write. (I’m not sure why I still feel the need, after all this time, to give myself an introduction, but I guess that’s just the way I work sometimes.)

I wish that I could let shit go and fall asleep the way you do.I’d probably get lost in some dream about the way we used to laugh when we were young.. I’d give just about anything to find our way back there, y’know. To when my love still gave you a reason to smile.. Nowadays that smile comes too far apart and it’s awful.. I often want to ask what you’re thinking about but I don’t. You won’t tell me anyway. That makes me so sad..

That I should wonder why you’re happy feels so wrong..

After 10 years of marriage, I should be your reason why, don’t you agree?

 

Unsent Letters – 08.31.2017

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

My Love,

Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Sometimes I’m glad that I can’t. I’m not sure I’d survive what I would hear in there while you’re wearing that look on your face.. That look breaks my heart on it’s own and I wish I could change that.. I realized today, like a bolt of lightning, that you’ve been thinking I’m having an affair for like a year now – maybe longer. I’m so utterly astounded by that.. I mean, I’m honestly blown away. How can you stand there and look at me every day while you so obviously think I’m a whore? And not freaking say anything?! 

Christ.. Why would you do that?

The only answer I can think of is Gracie. Maybe you don’t want to leave her? or maybe you don’t want to pay child support? I don’t know, but I sure wish I did.

I’ve been yours since the first time I saw you. If you don’t know that after ten years with me, then I must be the worst wife on the planet for you not to know.. I’m so sorry.. If you only knew how completely wrong you’ve been  about things, but i don’t guess we can change all that now. I don’t understand why I’m here while you so obviously have no faith or trust in our marriage anymore and I can’t imagine you’ll be confiding in me about it anytime soon..

I miss your love. And the smile you kept just for me all of these years….

I couldn’t be any more shattered if the world stopped turning altogether…

I need you…..

Always,

– A