Somehow it always seems to fall apart in the end. Don’t let it.
DEVASTATION – Severe and overwhelming shock and grief…. What an amazingly accurate description.
I love my momma. Everyone does. She’s always had that.. that something that draws in people and she knows it. She uses it to get what she wants or what she needs. I didn’t see it until about halfway through my teenage years, but she’s probably been doing it forever….
She was here this past week, in Mississippi with my family. Her and Grams flew out semi last minute since Uncle Wayne was having surgery; The doctors had to remove his colon and large intestine due to the recent discovery a few rather large tumors growing there – it was kind of a big deal.. Anyway, mom stayed with me of course, while Grams stayed at Wayne’s in town. It was an awful visit. It’s hard to believe how much negativity a person can carry around without realizing it.
She hasn’t always been this way though. A while, yes, but not always.. And it almost always has to do with Grams. I guess some stuff happened a gazillion years ago and my momma just can’t seem to let it go.
I don’t know..
(This is probably going to be left unfinished for right now but I’ll get back to it..)
Makayla Kelli – 5 years old 2008
I used to think I belonged here. Like I was destined for this moment right here, right now. What a foolish concept. A pipe dream born of idiocy and yearning for the picture in my head of what should have been.. If only I’d listened to the voice of my husband.. Ever the constant cynic, (espescially when it comes to his ex wife and children), I’m always trying to look above and beyond the world as he sees it.. I wasn’t made for dragging so much hate-filled baggage around with me and I refuse. I’ve got enough going on without putting someone else’s bullshit before my own.. What a joke.. I’m too friggin old for all this.
What I need to do is find some sort of balance. The problem is I’m not even sure it exists anymore. I mean, how on earth are we supposed to stand on common ground with all this water under the bridge? Where do we meet when there is no middle?
How should I know? And why the hell should I care? I’ve been trying to keep the peace for way too long and it’s not working. I’ve given everything I could, and for a lot longer than I should have, and still it’s been for nothing. Nothing! This is a war that simply cannot be won without bloodshed and I’m simply not willing to go that far. I’m just not..
And so, with the coming of the new year, I find somewhat appropriate to be thinking about the days ahead.. Sadly enough, finding my place may end up having more to do with finding my heart than anything else..
This has been one hell of a year..
Makayla exchanged her glasses and braces for cleavage and eye liner and all-day-long-selfies, she failed her first class and officially became a teenager. She’s begun making choices and wizening up and I’m proud of the tomorrow’s it looks like she’s chosen.
Autumn Michelle turned 18, got a nursing job, graduated high school, had another cancer scare – and then another miracle, moved out, started college and impressed her whole world. It all happened so fast that the “blink of an eye” part came later and haven’t quite caught my breath even now..
Maddison got her license and a job and her first car (last year, actually) then started birth control, moved out and kinda sorta lost her way.. Lost a boy that mattered, found another, had a pretty major surgery but came out of it on top.
Yea.. you could say things have changed some this year..
This year we’ve grown. As a family, as individuals, as the people we were meant to be at this time in our lives.
And I am thankful..
I am thankful for the bad times just as much as for the good. I am thankful for the moments of love and of laughter and of hurt (a lot of hurt..) and for the pride that overwhelms me when I look back through my days. Although it wasn’t how I’d planned it, I am thankful for the way it all played out.
I am thankful for the little things, like really good books and how my dog is always happy to see me. For amazing summer sunsets when there’s fire in the sky; and for the dark and rainy days, because they always make me think of Winnie the Pooh and his balloon..
I am thankful for the few great people I can proudly call my friends, and that my family is just a call away.
I am thankful for my husband and for knowing that he still gets out of bed and chooses to love me every single day. I have been blessed with this life and I am thankful..
It’s only been about five hours since I stood laughing in the kitchen with my thirteen year old daughter. She’d asked me if I’d voted and I responded with some snarky comment about while I know it’s time we break things off with Obama, I thought our country as a whole would be a good bit better off to take a year or two and decide what it is we really want before leaping blindly into another bad relationship.. She rolled her eyes and smiled but it took her a couple of seconds to decide if I was being serious or not.
I was, and she knew it. Even at thirteen she saw it lying there in a pool of sarcasm. The tiny seed of truth that I’d just planted already had roots.
I gave her a minute to think and then winked at her and said “never forget that politics, for the most part, is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors. We just elected Donald freaking Trump as our next president.. Tomorrow half the country will wake up with second thoughts..”
Good night people. I hope it was worth it.
(Not to say that voting for Hillary would have turned out any better.. Although I do find the idea of seating her behind the same desk that Miss Lewinsky once sat under somewhat amusing.. 🗽