Epiphany

I had an epiphany this morning. A big one, actually. One that cannot be ignored or forgotten or denied.

I. Am. Alone.

In this life. On this planet.

And I’m not complaining.

It’s ironic, really, for this to have started that way in my head when the truth is that I like being alone once in a while.Well… Of course not all day every day, but I don’t mind it so much..

Sometimes it’s nice.

Unsent Letters – 03.08.2018

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

❤️

My Love,

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I just can’t sleep. You wrapped your warmth around me and passed out cold about two hours ago and I just laid there with you for the longest time – until you actually moved away from me on your own..

I have so much to say that I can’t seem to get out and it’s choking me all the time nowadays. I can’t breathe.

I can’t believe you’re actually leaving with things the way they are between us. We’ve been struggling for so long now that it’s almost like we’re drowning in uncertainty, and before you go I feel like I should find what words I can so that you’ll at least know them..

I love you.

I love you more, I think, than you could possibly know. Just the thought of what’s coming tips my soul in so many ways I’m not sure I’ll make it through without your strength to hold me up.

You have been able to hurt me in places and in ways I didn’t know that I had in me anymore. You’ve made me small, like I don’t matter and I never will again.. But then you also gave me life again in many many ways. You gave me everything you had and I will always be so incredibly grateful for that.

Thank you for not giving up on me until I gave up on myself. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable.

In so many ways I couldn’t live up to my promises. I’m sorry for letting you down and for not having it in me to be what you needed me to be. I’m sorry for so many things and moments that I don’t have the words to give you.

For a long time you made whole, and no matter where we go from here, I hope you know that.

I’m sorry for not being the woman you chose..

Always – A

Randomness

Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.

For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.

He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.

LOL..

I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.

I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.

Geez.

To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..

How awful..

I feel it..

He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.

I miss that.

I miss him.

It’s not fair….

Yesterday

So yesterday my two-weeks-from -turning-fifteen year old went out to the movies on her first solo date. The boy lives down the street and our families often attend church together. They’re good people and we’ve known them for most of his life.

Now, if you’ve ever read my stuff you know that we have managed to survive FOUR teenagers before her so I’ve had my share of first first dates. This one will officially be the last and I can hardly explain how totally sad I am about it…. but Gracie on the other hand. She was tickled pink to watch her sister get dressed and put her makeup on…

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Gracie who will never get to have that first first date. Gracie who will never get to have that first first kiss. Gracie who will never get married or have babies or live happily on her own…

Yea.. this last first date has really gotten me down..