Top of the World, Laguna Beach, California
Water has always been my element of choice. I am drawn to the ocean like a mermaid or something, I can't explain it.
There's not much serenity out in the world today, but the ocean seems to give it to me, and I've been barefoot in the sand most of my life..
F. Scott Fitzgerald, “it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
Her laugh has always been so sweet, like music to my ears.. throughout the growing and the changing of her years it’s stayed the same..
..knowing someone in every way. In all their amazingness and all their flaws.
..being able to see without looking and feel without touching.
..it’s choosing to serve another person for as long as you can in spite of their mistakes and the darkness in their heart.
..love is beautiful and amazing.
..love is patient and kind.
..love is fearing the unknown and defying the urge to jump ship..
I’m not sure how things’ll turn out anymore. There’s just no way I can predict what I don’t know. I mean the way things are going, he might just up and decide not to like me tomorrow, who knows.. He’s so distant these days and nothing seems to help anymore and he won’t tell me what he wants because well, why? I’m s’posed to figure it out? or maybe already know? ’cause I’m a mind reader, you know, and I’m not trying.. 😒 Whatever.. I just can’t win. Nothing I do is up to par anymore. He’s just unhappy with me and I’m supposed to know why.
He doesn’t talk very often, especially at home. He comes in and sits down with his phone. Hell, I’ve had full conversations with the side of his face while he answers but never looks up.. Maybe one or two glances my way and a few drawn out yea’s when I pause.. enough to make him feel like he’s trying, I guess, but he’s not. I’m not that dumb, or that desperate for his attention anymore..He makes me feel small sometimes.. On the inside, I mean, and whether it’s intentional or not – that shit hurts. Not to mention the fact that I’ll be forty next march and am officially starting menopause (which, by the way, just so happens to be the worst damn thing to have happened to me yet!) and I’m literally trying so hard not to spontaneously combust that I can’t freaking think. Hell, I can’t remember what i wanted by the time I get to my refridgerator half the time! And I’m an eater.. Which makes that a holy travesty. Regardless of what my momma tells me, I’m not entirely sure I’ll survive.
What I do know is that WE aren’t gonna make it if I have to walk this path by myself. I mean, if I have do everything all on my own then what the hell am I doing here anyway?