If Only

If I’d known then

The things I think

That I know

Now

I might have saved

Myself

Some of

What I feel now

But I was never meant to be

As happy

As you once made me

I don’t have

Any chances left

To live a life

I won’t forget

Someday I’ll look into

Your eyes

And you’ll be

Staring back at me

And I’ll know everything

Is fine

Maybe you’ll even want

To be

Here by my side….

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Unsent Letters • 10.11.2018

My Love,

I miss you..

Knowing you were there was all I ever really needed and I miss that.. I sit and think about it sometimes – how it was, how it is, how I want it to be…. and more often than not it just makes me sad. But on days like today, when I’ve been alone for too long, I stop crying and start to get angry. I can’t help it. It really pisses me off to know it didn’t have to be this way.. To know that if you’d made an effort and spoken to me, even once, we just might have survived. Hell, we would probably still have a chance if you wanted, but not if I’m here on my own.. doing all the work. Not in a literal sense, of course, but if I make the compromise, I take the loss or the blame or the lead.. and I refuse. I’m not willing anymore to be left here alone and it breaks me. So I miss you…

Unsent Letters • 10.19.2018

My Love,

Sooo… what’s her name?

I’m not, contrary to popular belief, a total imbecile. I KNOW you. Something is wrong.. off.. I can’t put my finger on it, but I would swear on a stack of bibles that there’s something I don’t know. There’s gotta be..

In the better part of a decade I have never felt so small. Not like I have over the days of this past year. And I really, really dislike it…

If I live to be 100, I will never understand all of the “bullshit he was talking” that’s happened between us.. I absolutely canNOT win with you anymore..

Maybe there isn’t a somebody else, maybe you’re just done with me.. but at least I would have something to go by when I started to wonder..

I miss you all the time..

– A

Unsent Letters • 10.09.2018

My Love,

It’s almost 9PM and you still haven’t gotten home from work. You left so early, you must be all but worn through.. I don’t often give you near enough credit for the work you put in for this family (I’m not sure I ever have).

I’ve been looking through old boxes and old memories and whatnot. You know.. just reading back through stuff I wrote ’cause I was too scared to say it out loud.. How I felt and what I thought and my opinions about you and who you are.. 

There’s so much love and so much anger and my God, there’s so much hurt locked up in there! – it makes me kinda glad you haven’t ever wanted to read them..

I’ve realized though that I don’t say thank you enough. Thank you for no other reason than just being yourself. I don’t stop to tell you how amazingly proud you’ve made me over the years. I’ve not yet spoken aloud about the many ways you’ve made my whole world better, for the simple fact of having you in it.. because you do…

I sure as hell don’t say I’m sorry without adding in a ‘but’, although in my defense you don’t say it at all.. 

Always, when a few well spoken words might be enough, you will choose silence. You’ve kept your silence even when I’ve all but begged to hear your voice.. though I’m not begging anymore.

In the end, it won’t be some great big distance that separates us, it will be all the silence living right here between us.

I love you anyway..

Unsent Letters • 10.01.2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

It’s October already.. Holy cow.. Its pretty crazy to think we actually made it another year.. (Although I’d say that “making it” would be a pretty strong term for what we’ve done) Its discouraging, the way things have changed between us. I wish there was some way we could go back to where we were, but we just can’t. Too much water under the bridge, I guess..

It’s sad, really, to know that when I look back over my life, the years I’ve spent here with you have been the very best that I’ve had.

You make me better in so many ways, in all the ways that really count. You gave me confidence and showed me how to change. Whether you think so it not, I have been happy with you, and I was so sure I’d be again, but at what cost?

You’re so close to miserable, baby, and that isn’t what I want. I never dreamed that things would ever get this bad.. Yet here we are, and I can’t fix it,  I don’t know where I would start or if it’s possible at this point in our lives. You’ve shut me out and so I’ve done the same, but I still couldn’t tell you why things changed.

There’s so much blame, and I don’t remember anymore..

Why you’re silent. Why I’m angry. Why we’ve built up these walls that we can’t see around – not even to search for the truth..

I know I’m lonely inside. I know it feels like I’ve been letting you down. I know I miss the way it was when we met.

I know I wouldn’t take back a single solitary moment of us… ‘Cause we’re amazing when we want to be.

And we always wanted to be..

Unsent Letters • 08.13.2015

My little girl, my oldest little girl, was diagnosed with cancer back in August 2015. A papillary carcinoma on her thyroid gland. It was found quite by mistake, and with God’s arm around her shoulders she survived.

This is the letter I meant to give her five months later when she turned 18.

I reckon it’s been lost all this time..

 💞

Autumn Michelle,

You know, when you were born I was still a little girl in so many ways. I didn’t work or drive or even live on my own. While I had been without my own mom off and on for a few years, I’d never really had to take care of myself..

Then you came along. Tiny and helpless and completely dependent on me to do things for you that I’d never even really thought to do for myself. It was time to grow up and I was so scared..

I was so afraid I would do the wrong thing..

I’ll never forget the first time I clipped your little fingernails. I caught the skin on one of your thumbs and you bled while I cried. It felt like such a tragedy.. Such a small mistake but it felt like the end of the world.

You were so incredible, I would sit and stare at you for hours on end and write poetry for you to read when you were older. I had so many hopes and dreams for your future and I just knew someday you’d grow up to be better than me..

And you are.

From your very first coos I knew you’d sing me a song. From your first wobbly steps I knew you’d go a whole lot farther than me, and you did. At barely two you could say all of the alphabet and actually carry a tune. You’d stand in a laundry basket and tell everyone to “shh, shh, ima show you something” .. I can still hear you breaking into Somewhere Over the Rainbow like it was yesterday – I wish I still had that video Nick made.. I can still smile knowing you turned out better than the test of us did.. 

You had the face of an angel and a smile that could chase away the shadow of my darkest days. Nothing has changed. I look at  you and all too often i still see that little girl; quiet and sweet and always so damn well behaved. Nana always says that you were born an old soul and she could see it in your eyes.

Your uncle Jason’s eyes…

When I look back over the years, both good and bad, I see so many things I’d go back and change. So many choices I would take back if I could… 

But I always always loved you and I did the best I could – even though sometimes it wasn’t enough. If I could live an extra life and all the time that comes with it, I still don’t think  I’d have to make up for the times I couldn’t be around when you were little.. The hundred moments that I’ve missed and I can’t ever get back. Your first day of kindergarten and losing your front teeth and starting gymnastics and probably a thousand other little things I didn’t even know I missed.. 

I’ll bet you remember then all.

It’s been ten years since I decided to start over. I moved here with your sister and a dream and not much else but I still made it. I hadn’t seen you in a year and you were angry with me for so many things i could never make up for.. but you still came. It was a visit that turned into a year and then a decade and I’ve loved it. 

You were and when your dad didn’t come back for you after that summer was over but we got through it. And when you had to start all over with no friends in a new school we still got through it. You got glasses and got your baby teeth and you grew out before you grew up and if course we got through it.. One day I realized we had gotten through it all. From grades and boys to birth control and cancer and then some.. 

I will be forever grateful for the chance to watch to grow up. You have always been so much more than I’d imagined you’d and you still amaze me every single day. Soon enough you’ll find. All grown up and on the run with a life of your own and I’m not ready…I

I already miss you. Is that terrible? The older you get the led you need me and I guess that his it’s all supposed to be. 

I did my job.. 

I raised a smart, independent woman with the ability to do anything she sets her mind to and I couldn’t be more proud..I

I love you, 

Mom

Unsent Letters • 09.28.2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

I don’t know what just happened but I know that it isn’t happening again. I’m so tired of being accused when I’ve done nothing wrong. If I’m breathing out I should have been breathing in or some shit and I can’t find it in me to just sit here anymore.

I am tired. Too tired to keep up this bullshit charade any longer, it’s weighing me down.. Living here in this nightmare that once was a dream has been more than I thought it could be; I would never have lived so much life without you, and it makes me so sick and so sad to know it’s gonna end…

There are so many things I could never have done if I hadn’t been there with you then. I was lost til you found me, and I thank God you did; you were all of the happiness I’ve ever had and I’m grateful.

Thank you so much for trying, I’m sorry I’m not gonna make it as far as you thought – I know how disappointed you are.. I’d do better if I had it in me but I guess it just is what it is.

I’m sorry I’m not enough for you baby. I’m so sorry that I can’t be more.

Please take of our daughter, she’s earned it from you.. She’s not going to get it, what’s happening next, and she’ll need you..

Please make sure she knows who I am.

And Makayla, God please don’t just ditch her, though I know her reaction will suck. She’ll be so fucking angry but she doesn’t know what she needs… She needs a shoulder to cry on, a heart she can’t break. She needs someone to tell her she’s beautiful. She needs a supporter, and she needs a boot in her ass. Miss Autumn is gonna be perfectly fine. She’s got everything she’ll ever need. Just as long as they all know they’ve made it all worth it, I’m happy and then I can go..