Unsent Letters • 02.26.2015

Dear Principal Rigby,

It was brought to my attention this afternoon that my daughter, Autumn Wolfe, will not be allowed to attend this year’s Senior Luncheon with her classmates. She is very upset about this. If I remember correctly we were told, by you I might add, that the luncheon would be the sole activity she would be allowed to attend as a non-active student. She was all right with this because the luncheon was the only event she actually cared about. You were very clear about the rules regarding early graduation when you explained them to us in the high school library the day we ordered her cap and gown. She wasn’t even allowed to have your school counselor help her fill out her college and financial aid applications.

While I personally found that to be a bit much, I understand that there are rules to abide by.

In saying that, let me also make you aware of the fact that these rules have only been applied to my child. I can say with absolute certainty that Kyle Staton was able to receive help with his college applications and has been allowed to attend every senior meeting held thus far. Katlyn Campbell was not kept from going to the senior prom with Marvin Norris, nor was Dalton Massey, who consequently attended with Destiny Shepherd, who also is not a current student. Destiny, in fact, actually graduated last year.

What rules were applied to those ‘non-active’ students?

In all truthfulness, I’m not often one of those mothers who feels the need to advocate for my older children in most situations. Most. In this case, unfortunately, I cannot ignore what’s been happening at your school. My daughter is a good kid, and for her to be treated the way she has been is not right. She doesn’t even know whether or not she will be graduating with honors seeing as she wasn’t able to attend or accept any academic awards this year.

Autumn has been a model student during her time in the Union School District. She’s never been in trouble, never been paddled or suspended or gotten into fights. She was an above average student and will continue to do well as she moves on to the next phase of her life.

Finishing school a semester early is an accomplishment. One she worked hard for and should be proud of. There aren’t many teenagers out there these days, or adults for that matter, who would have made it a priority to get up and go to school every morning while fighting cancer the way she did. Trust me when I tell you, by the time she’d finished her classes she was tired.

She EARNED the right to finish early and she was proud to have done it on her own.

Until today.

Today, for the first time, she showed regret for her choices. She wished for a moment that she had stuck it out and could go with her friends. She feels like she’s being punished for doing well. To be honest, that’s the way it looks.

It is not common knowledge, and I d appreciate your discretion, that after the ceremony she’ll be doing radioactive treatment for some new growth that have been found on recent scans. She is afraid and disheartened but determined to make the best of every day. She goes to work and doesn’t complain and will continue to do so because that’s who she is.

I want you to know that in writing this email I’m not asking you to give her special treatment, or to make exceptions for her that you wouldn’t make for another student. If she can’t go then she can’t go, and she won’t be left alone. There are a few who are planning to forgo the event so as not to leave her out…

I apologize if I have been untoward in any way but I have held my tongue for long enough. So I will leave you with this..

I hope the luncheon goes well. Most of these kids have been imagining the ride around since they were little. It’s tradition. Hopefully the other non-active students won’t be too disappointed about not being included seeing as everyone knew the rules and exclusions when they chose to finish their classes early.

Rules are rules.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Amber Howell

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Unsent Letters – 05.26.2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

I can’t sleep.. but then I never do on days we’ve had a fight. My mind just will not stop and shut down until I find some way of getting it all out.. and so I write. (I’m not sure why I still feel the need, after all this time, to give myself an introduction, but I guess that’s just the way I work sometimes.)

I wish that I could let shit go and fall asleep the way you do.I’d probably get lost in some dream about the way we used to laugh when we were young.. I’d give just about anything to find our way back there, y’know. To when my love still gave you a reason to smile.. Nowadays that smile comes too far apart and it’s awful.. I often want to ask what you’re thinking about but I don’t. You won’t tell me anyway. That makes me so sad..

That I should wonder why you’re happy feels so wrong..

After 10 years of marriage, I should be your reason why, don’t you agree?

 

Unsent Letters – 08.31.2017

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

My Love,

Sometimes I wish I could read your mind. Sometimes I;m glad that I can’t. I’m not sure I’d survive what I would hear in there while you’re wearing that look on your face.. That look breaks my heart on it’s own and I wish I could chande that.. I realized today, like a bolt of lightning, that you’ve been thinking I’m having an affair for like a year now – maybe longer. I’m so utterly astounded by that.. I mean, I’m totally blown away. How can you stand there and look at me every day while you so obviously think I’m a whore? And not freaking say anything?! 

Christ.. Why would you do that?

The only answer I can think of is Gracie. Maybe you don’t want to leave her? or maybe you don’t want to pay child support? I don’t know, but I sure wish I did.

I’ve been yours since the first time I saw you. If you don’t know that after ten years with me, Ithen  must be the worst wife on the planet, for you not to know.. I’m so sorry.. If you only knew how completely wrong you’ve been  about things, but i don’t guess we can change all that now. I don’t understand why I’m here while you so obviouslt have no faith or trust in our marriage anynore and I can’t imagine you’ll be comfiding in me about it anytime soon..

I miss your love. And the smile you kept just for me all of these years….

I couldn’t be any more shattered if the world stopprd turning altogether…

I need you…..

Always,

– A

Unsent Letters – 06.27.2018

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

My Love.

I think it’s funny sometimes, that after ten years beside you I still don’t know all of who you are. I’ll be doing something normal that I’ve done a hundred times and out of nowhere you say I’ve been doing it wrong.. like talking or cooking or brushing my teeth… (Ok, so maybe not brushing my teeth, but you get me, I’m sure)

But seriously.

After eight whole years of “that was good, thank you” i find you like your chops to be fried hard.

Or how ’bout your saying you don’t “like that look” (referring to cowgirl boots and short skirts) a couple of months after I showed up to the courthouse in a little white dress and my mommas boots?

We were watching Road House. Sam Elliot and the blonde chick were dancing in a diner. I was crushed.

Maybe I’ll go with like two days ago, when you told me how much you love listening to me talk and tell my stories, but that I should have enough respect not to talk about other men. (You were referring to my daughters’ dads and my boss.. really?)

No wonder you don’t talk to me anymore. Those are the only stories I have.

I guess I’ll shut up now.

– A

Unsent Letters – 03.08.2018

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

❤️

My Love,

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I just can’t sleep. You wrapped your warmth around me and passed out cold about two hours ago and I just laid there with you for the longest time – until you actually moved away from me on your own..

I have so much to say that I can’t seem to get out and it’s choking me all the time nowadays. I can’t breathe.

I can’t believe you’re actually leaving with things the way they are between us. We’ve been struggling for so long now that it’s almost like we’re drowning in uncertainty, and before you go I feel like I should find what words I can so that you’ll at least know them..

I love you.

I love you more, I think, than you could possibly know. Just the thought of what’s coming tips my soul in so many ways I’m not sure I’ll make it through without your strength to hold me up.

You have been able to hurt me in places and in ways I didn’t know that I had in me anymore. You’ve made me small, like I don’t matter and I never will again.. But then you also gave me life again in many many ways. You gave me everything you had and I will always be so incredibly grateful for that.

Thank you for not giving up on me until I gave up on myself. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable.

In so many ways I couldn’t live up to my promises. I’m sorry for letting you down and for not having it in me to be what you needed me to be. I’m sorry for so many things and moments that I don’t have the words to give you.

For a long time you made whole, and no matter where we go from here, I hope you know that.

I’m sorry for not being the woman you chose..

Always – A

Unsent Letters – 08.21.2016

DISCLAIMER : I am going through some personal things and am needing a place to vent. These are the letters I’ve written along the way. If you have any advice about things, please feel free to keep scrolling because I’m not looking..

August 21, 2016

To My Autumn Michelle,
I’m dating this letter because I don’t know when I’ll finish it and I don’t want to forget where I began.. It’s been four days since you were here, and aside from a couple of meaningless texts we haven’t spoken at all. You probably think I’ll call you when I’m done being mad and so you’re waiting.. I hate to say it, but you’ll be waiting a while.. I can’t do it. I can’t keep going the way we’ve been. I don’t know who you are or how to talk to you anymore and I’m tired…

Still, there are some things I need to say and I’m just going to say them..

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was mad. Not necessarily for WHAT I said, but for HOW I said it. I won’t apologize for having feelings.

I’m sorry for making you feel like you were ever not enough. You’ve always been so much more than I had ever dared to dream.

I’m sorry that you didn’t feel like you could trust me when it really mattered.

I’m sorry for making you grow up so very young, though that should show you who it was that ever really had my back.

I’m sorry you were so unhappy here..

Thank you for always being someone I could be proud of, I’ve never doubted that you would be amazing.

Thank you for never giving up on me. Lord knows you probably should have more than once.

Thank you for just being you most of the time… That was all you’ve ever needed to be..

I want you to know that I’m always proud of you. Of your strength and of your determination and of the way you keep going no matter what. You’ve always been an old soul, as your Nana would say, and you’ll go far in life, no doubt.

I wish I could fix what’s been broken between us, but I don’t even know where to start.. What I do know, is that I don’t want to do this with you. I just can’t seem to get it right no matter what I do, and so I’m thinking it might be time for me to take a step back. I don’t think you have any idea how bad that sucks for me but I don’t know what else to do. I miss you more than you could ever imagine, and I have for a long time..

The other day when you left for Alabama I was really hurt. I know I didn’t marry your dad but I still love his family. Kelly was my connection to the Hartman’s too.. I had my own relationship with her and I’ll miss her. Maybe I could have handled the whole thing better, and I’m sorry for that, but I was just so blindsided by the way you did a total 180 out of nowhere. One minute you didn’t really want to go at all, and the next you were practically running out the door. I’m so sorry Gracie wanted to be with you more than she wanted a nap. I felt like I actually had to spank her so she would leave you alone and it really bothers me. I shouldn’t have to apologize or make excuses for how she feels. You’ve been a constant every day of her life and she doesn’t understand why you’re gone. She only knows you promised to come see her sometimes. She cries for you often and I can’t help it. It is what it is.

I don’t know where you and I fell apart and I’m not sure I know how to fix it. You’re right, you’ve been unhappy for a long time and I didn’t want to see it. I did the best I knew how.. And for that reason, and so many more, it’s time that I let go…. I hope I taught you enough about life, and that you’re not too proud to ask for help when you need it. I heard you loud and clear when you said that you won’t be calling me for anything so I hope you have someone. Thanks for listening. I will always love you (a million red m&m’s)

Mom