Unsent Letters • 09.10.2018

My Love,

I’m writing you this letter because I don’t want to talk. It seems like everything we say becomes a fight. Instead of listening to each other we’re so quick to take offense, but nothing helps so we pretend and that’s not ok anymore.

Not for me.

Around and ’round and ’round we go til I can’t even breathe. I don’t see clearly anymore and I think its making me sick, but I love you and I don’t want to let go..

You’ve saved me in my darkest dreams and always kept me safe, and I’ll never have the words to make you see.

I appreciate so many things about the man you are – or used to be, but you’re a stranger nowadays and I don’t know you..

Like a soldier waging war in some far away country, who you are is a mere shell of who you were. Our yesterday feels like a waking dream that sits there waiting on the edge of my mind and I just wanna fall back into bed…

I wish you’d come with me ..

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Unsent Letters. (What would you do?) 09•08•2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

Today was just one of those days, wasn’t it? From beginning to end the whole thing sucked. I somehow pretty much cried myself awake, and then my little girl cried herself to sleep.

Why is that? Do you know? Cuz there’s just no good answer – not that I can see anyway.

There’s no good reason for any of this. Ever. And yet it happens again and again.

I wish I had a solution for us.. for all this arguing and all the hurt.. though I’m not really sure it would help anymore; after having been pushed so far away for so long…

But my honest dilemma.. the one in my heart, is my little girl feeling unloved. She’s been telling me so for too long and I can’t just dismiss how she feels.

I’ve been treating her like she’s just some spoiled brat and not taking the time out to listen. Ive defended her actions but taken your side and for that she thinks I’m choosing you.. and she’s been right.

All this time..

For the last couple months I’ve been trying to step back; get an actual look at what is. It’s unfortunate really, that I couldn’t see it til now..

I hate you because you don’t love her.

I hate me because I ignored it.

I’m done.

Unsent Letters 09•01•2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

I think someday you might wish you’d tried harder for me. Someday you’ll wish you had smiled at me, or just spoken your mind, maybe had some more faith, or made a little more time.. I think you’ll wonder if it might have changed things for us. If you’d bought a dozen roses for me reason or gone dancing or just held me when I cried would we still be right here? And who knows what the answer is to that? I sure don’t; but I wish to God somehow I did.. But there’s no changing it now; there’s no going back, moving on.. We’re both stuck here in the middle of what was. Hardly a shadow of what once felt like forever.. how sad is that?

I think I’ve broken my own heart… I can’t stop all this bleeding and I’m dying inside…

Unsent Letters • 07.11.2018

My Love,

Sometimes you can really be an asshole, you know that.. I mean, you must know it, ’cause it happens far too much. Not that I haven’t made it a point to make you feel as bad as I do..

I think it’s kinda shitty that I feel the way I do but I can’t help it. No one cares how shitty they make me feel and so I’m over it.. I’m far, FAR from being perfect and I’m done trying.

I’m just done.

Unsent Letters • 02.26.2015

Dear Principal Rigby,

It was brought to my attention this afternoon that my daughter, Autumn Wolfe, will not be allowed to attend this year’s Senior Luncheon with her classmates. She is very upset about this. If I remember correctly we were told, by you I might add, that the luncheon would be the sole activity she would be allowed to attend as a non-active student. She was all right with this because the luncheon was the only event she actually cared about. You were very clear about the rules regarding early graduation when you explained them to us in the high school library the day we ordered her cap and gown. She wasn’t even allowed to have your school counselor help her fill out her college and financial aid applications.

While I personally found that to be a bit much, I understand that there are rules to abide by.

In saying that, let me also make you aware of the fact that these rules have only been applied to my child. I can say with absolute certainty that Kyle Staton was able to receive help with his college applications and has been allowed to attend every senior meeting held thus far. Katlyn Campbell was not kept from going to the senior prom with Marvin Norris, nor was Dalton Massey, who consequently attended with Destiny Shepherd, who also is not a current student. Destiny, in fact, actually graduated last year.

What rules were applied to those ‘non-active’ students?

In all truthfulness, I’m not often one of those mothers who feels the need to advocate for my older children in most situations. Most. In this case, unfortunately, I cannot ignore what’s been happening at your school. My daughter is a good kid, and for her to be treated the way she has been is not right. She doesn’t even know whether or not she will be graduating with honors seeing as she wasn’t able to attend or accept any academic awards this year.

Autumn has been a model student during her time in the Union School District. She’s never been in trouble, never been paddled or suspended or gotten into fights. She was an above average student and will continue to do well as she moves on to the next phase of her life.

Finishing school a semester early is an accomplishment. One she worked hard for and should be proud of. There aren’t many teenagers out there these days, or adults for that matter, who would have made it a priority to get up and go to school every morning while fighting cancer the way she did. Trust me when I tell you, by the time she’d finished her classes she was tired.

She EARNED the right to finish early and she was proud to have done it on her own.

Until today.

Today, for the first time, she showed regret for her choices. She wished for a moment that she had stuck it out and could go with her friends. She feels like she’s being punished for doing well. To be honest, that’s the way it looks.

It is not common knowledge, and I d appreciate your discretion, that after the ceremony she’ll be doing radioactive treatment for some new growth that have been found on recent scans. She is afraid and disheartened but determined to make the best of every day. She goes to work and doesn’t complain and will continue to do so because that’s who she is.

I want you to know that in writing this email I’m not asking you to give her special treatment, or to make exceptions for her that you wouldn’t make for another student. If she can’t go then she can’t go, and she won’t be left alone. There are a few who are planning to forgo the event so as not to leave her out…

I apologize if I have been untoward in any way but I have held my tongue for long enough. So I will leave you with this..

I hope the luncheon goes well. Most of these kids have been imagining the ride around since they were little. It’s tradition. Hopefully the other non-active students won’t be too disappointed about not being included seeing as everyone knew the rules and exclusions when they chose to finish their classes early.

Rules are rules.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Amber Howell

Unsent Letters – 05.26.2018

DISCLAIMER : I guess you could say I’ve been going through some personal stuff. These letters are simply my way of releasing my angst out into the universe. If you have any insight or wisdom you think might help me work things out, keep it. I’m not looking..

My Love,

I can’t sleep.. but then I never do on days we’ve had a fight. My mind just will not stop and shut down until I find some way of getting it all out.. and so I write. (I’m not sure why I still feel the need, after all this time, to give myself an introduction, but I guess that’s just the way I work sometimes.)

I wish that I could let shit go and fall asleep the way you do.I’d probably get lost in some dream about the way we used to laugh when we were young.. I’d give just about anything to find our way back there, y’know. To when my love still gave you a reason to smile.. Nowadays that smile comes too far apart and it’s awful.. I often want to ask what you’re thinking about but I don’t. You won’t tell me anyway. That makes me so sad..

That I should wonder why you’re happy feels so wrong..

After 10 years of marriage, I should be your reason why, don’t you agree?