What Comes Next

So I left. I did. I hugged my kids and packed my car and walked out. Holy SHIT. I’m not often so irrationally compulsive, but for whatever reason, when he popped off at me for no reason I decided that I just couldn’t do it anymore. There wasn’t a chance in Hell I was going to stand there and take another second of some bullshit that I didn’t earn.

Nope. Not happening.

But ummm… what am I supposed to do now?

I don’t know, but I guess I’m about to find out. This should be fun.

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Unsent Letters • 10.20.2018

I am dating this letter because it might be a minute before it gets posted and Im not sure when it will be finished..

My Love,

I believe this will be the last letter I write.

No more greeting cards or post-its or sweet nothings scribbled quickly into a piece of scrap paper left laying around the house for you to find and pick up but not acknowledge. Why keep pouring myself on the ground so I can keep getting stepped on? I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt, and I’m tired of being angry.

If you don’t care, then why should I?

You’re a good man, Dratton. You’ve been a good husband and a good provider and a good father when you have chosen to be, but you haven’t been a very good friend.. Not to me, anyway.. and you have no desire to become one, though you should. I mean, Hell, you promised. You stood there next to me in front of God and all of His people and you promised to be my Person.

Simply put, you lied. Obviously, hopefully, not a purposeful thing, but the proof is in the every day living of our life.

To say these things and mean them honestly hurts me more than I care to admit. To say these things and know they’re true is breaking my heart.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Just tell me.. what do I do? I’m not thinking very clearly and I’m not sure I can find my way back home… Hell, I’m lost even when I’m going the right way nowadays, and I’m scared.

Scared to keep going..

Scared to just quit..

Scared of everything..

Mostly though, I’m scared that I will make the wrong choice. There’s no going back and starting over with you.. You see everything as being so completely clear cut. It’s either black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.. So if and/or when I decide to jump off the proverbial cliff, I had better be sure.

And I’m not.

But hey, it’s all about choices, y’know? It’s taken me a lifetime to figure it out but I finally get it.

My choices are my own and I choose to be happy. Even if it means being happy alone.

I wish things weren’t so screwed up. I wish you knew how I felt and that it made a difference. We’re so busy playing house these days, there’s no time to get back to the here and now, but I’m trying. I really am.. and this shit is hard. Really hard..

I’d never imagined it would come to this and I’m horribly unprepared. I don’t know that I can be picked up off the floor and brushed off this time..

I loved you yesterday. I love you today. And I will love you tomorrow.

-A

😔

finished 10.27.2018

Not Whispers

Ok soooo… God isn’t whispering at me. He’s SHOUTING.

I wrecked my car today… barely…

Truth be told, it should have been a whole lot worse than it was. My car should have rolled over when it landed in that ditch.

Hell, I wasn’t even going all that fast. A very good friend lost her father today and had called in a moment of hysteria and asked if I could pick her little girl up from school. I looked down at my phone to check the time and hit a puddle.

It was that fast.

Suddenly my momma was trying to climb in my lap and she’s saying “I have to get out! I have to get out!”, because she’s afraid that if she settles back at all in her seat the car will roll.

I had to LITERALLY turn sideways and use both of my feet to get my door open.

We should have rolled.

But we didn’t..

Rescue Me

I need your

Inner light

To guide me

And your hope

To lead me home

I hear your voice

It is my compass

When it feels like

I’m alone

You calm my

Soul

When I am shaken

Still the tremors

Of my life

To find you gone

Leaves me forsaken

And a little less

Alive

I see you

Reaching out to save me

And I slowly

Turn around

For I’ve yet

To catch my breath

From when you last

Watched me drown…

A N H

10.15.2018