Light and Dark

There’s just something ’bout the way the sunset over water that brings everything to life…

All that darkness trapped beneath the surface crying for the light left in the clouds..

“Please don’t go; don’t leave me here where I’m alone and I am lonely..”

And so the sun lights up the sky with all the colors she can find, making the whole world burn with red and orange and gold. Until at last she disappears leaving a way for all the stars to twinkle brightly for a while..

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Nightmares and Dreamscapes

Will there ever be a valid explanation for this chaos I call life?

Don’t get me wrong, having been given the gifts of free-thinking and will, I am all too well aware of the fact that the choices I make are my own.

I hope that something gets better one day, ’cause this shit has got to improve. Won’t be long before there’s nothing else I can lose and I’m tired.

I’m barely holding on these days. My fingers are getting sore. I’ve lost my grip and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Don’t let me drown..

Don’t let my die away..

Don’t let me fade into the nothing of the darkness in my soul..

Conundrum

My world has always been sort of a conundrum.. A series of events that somehow paint a pretty picture, and yet always leaves you waiting for the punchline.. Like a storm-thrown sea beneath a cloudless cobalt sky, I just keep wondering where lightning’s gonna strike.

There is beauty in the chaos of my days, I haven’t seen it in a while, but I’m positive it’s there.

Maybe theres something I’m not seeing.. Something small that makes it all come together like it’s supposed to; I just can’t see it from wherever I am. But I have before and I will again..

Unsent Letters • 09.10.2018

My Love,

I’m writing you this letter because I don’t want to talk. It seems like everything we say becomes a fight. Instead of listening to each other we’re so quick to take offense, but nothing helps so we pretend and that’s not ok anymore.

Not for me.

Around and ’round and ’round we go til I can’t even breathe. I don’t see clearly anymore and I think its making me sick, but I love you and I don’t want to let go..

You’ve saved me in my darkest dreams and always kept me safe, and I’ll never have the words to make you see.

I appreciate so many things about the man you are – or used to be, but you’re a stranger nowadays and I don’t know you..

Like a soldier waging war in some far away country, who you are is a mere shell of who you were. Our yesterday feels like a waking dream that sits there waiting on the edge of my mind and I just wanna fall back into bed…

I wish you’d come with me ..

Fantasies of a Stressed out Mom

TEENAGER (by definition)

{WEBSTER’S DICTIONARY} – Any person between the ages of 13 and 19.

{URBAN DICTIONARY} – God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

The reality of it all is that teenagers suck (usually from a couple of years before until a couple of years after the actual teens). And while I’m pretty sure this has been one of those undisputed-since-the-beginning-of-time facts that most red blooded Americans should already know, we just don’t seem to think about it until it’s right there in our faces..

WTH?

Where’s the survival instinct? The authority? The RESPECT?

It’s gone, that’s where.

Kids these days are born into what I like to call the Age of Entitlement. Everybody owes them something just for being alive.. it’s kinda suck-ish, really, and an absolute shame.

But what do we do? Hell, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do at this point.

Suddenly the adults are all acting just as badly as their kids. We have riots and school shootings and movie theater massacres like once a month… And the suicide rate. Don’t get me started on that shit… Yet it’s all for what? Because someone’s momma wasn’t pay enough attention? Or someone’s girlfriend didn’t want to go to the prom? There are umpteenth new and extraordinarily profound reasons for it all nowadays, and I can’t find the validity in any of them. They’re just kids. Spoiled little hormonal buttheads that think they rule the world because we don’t tell them any different. It’s funny, but looking back I can’t remember anyone ever having to tell me such things….

Still, at the risk of running slightly long winded today I’ve got to take a few minutes (or years) to touch on the subject of my own teenagers. I have been absolutely blessed to have raised, or had a hand in raising, an amazing group of not-so-tiny humans.

Between us, my husband and I have six kids.. and with the exception of one, they have all managed to grow and mature into smart, beautiful, contributing members of society. Don’t get me wrong, that one just so happens to be beautiful and smart (and way too much like her mother) but she also has an attitude thats so incredibly large it casts a literal shadow over everything it touches.

It’s distracting, and so ugly it actually takes something from her… I can’t quite describe it, but if you have teenagers of your own you probably know what I mean..

Teenagers are scary. Like Mr. Gump’s widely known Box of Chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.. I’ve tried my best to curb the enthusiasm she seems to have for feeding the beast inside of her but nothing helps. I can ground her, take her phone, strip her bedroom, blah blah blah.. I get nothing. No reaction. No tears. No improvement. Just a blank face and a monotone voice that breaks my heart in a thousand new ways every time it comes around.

I guess I’m bitching. It’s been a bad week.

Any advice?