Because It Should Actually Matter

Disclaimer : I’ve been going through it lately. This is my place to vent out what’s been left here to poison my soul..

My Love, 

   It’s almost midnight already;  you’ve been asleep for a few – I wish I could fall asleep as fast as you can. As always, sleep eludes me and I’m laying in bed with my thoughts. 

   Things have been a little easier between us this week. I’m not sure why, but I am grateful for the repreave. Our daily have grown exhausting sometime throughout this past year and I am tired.. The struggle to remain here has become more than I can do nowadays, and I kinda feel like maybe I’m starting to get over it..

Ouch.

It’s just that a good week with you can leave me hoping for more, but I’m scared it won’t last very long.

Nothing good lasts forever anymore. Not like it should…

I have an Aunt and Uncle, (they’re actually my Mom’s aunt and uncle, but you’ve met them) who’ve been together some 67 years (or close to it). They found each other as teenagers, married young and went on to live a lifetime raising children and falling in love with each other again and again. It’s beautiful. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be loved like that, but I’ll bet it’s kinda wonderful.

I used to believe we’d have a story like that; one filled with laughter and kisses and that something the world would remember us by.

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2018 in review..

It was a pretty decent year, all in all.

Holiday Shenanigans

After a decade of Us, I guess I’ve learned a few things. Things like how to feed an army, and how to wrap a gift like it’s stashed at Fort Knox. Hell, after all these years there’s so much love in our home it doesn’t fit in a picture and I love it. ❤️ ❤️

Why

I just want it to be over.

I. Am. Tired.

So tired…

Of forever being wrong.

I will never be enough for anyone.

He doesn’t see me anymore,

But I’m still sitting right here.

But not enough..

I’m not enough

For him to see..

I just don’t understand

What happened

Or what brought on all this change.

How can I prove myself

When nothing is what was?

I think I’ve fallen

But

I feel no pain

Beyond the emptiness I feel

Without his love.

He can save me.

Why won’t he save me?

Unsent Letters • 12.14.2018

My Love,

I swear I’ll never understand…

I know I said I wouldn’t write anymore letters but I have no other way to get it out.. The love we have today leaves me so utterly confused that I’ve not got very little choice but to write something. If I don’t try and work things out inside my head I’ll just go crazy.. 

And that’s not fun.

At all.

For anyone…

You don’t see that we’ve gone wrong so you won’t try to make us better and I can’t. Not by myself. I don’t know how (believe me, if I did, we wouldn’t be where we are now) but I know that I’m not ready to stop trying.. I’m not ready to stop crying in frustration; I’m not ready to stop the hurt..  Stupid, I know, but it is what it is.. I’m not ready to give up. Period. 

I don’t think you are either..

I mean, we’re still here aren’t we? We’re still fighting each other for something. If it didn’t matter I don’t think it would hurt like it does.. 

Anyway, I really really need to sleep a little more. I just got up to pre and got caught watching you dream.. 

Maybe you’re thinking about me too…..

Always, 

A