Randomness

Disclaimer : I don’t have much of a filter sometimes, and today will be no exception. Excuse me while I bitch for a minute.

For the greatest part, my husband is a pretty good guy. He’s tall and gorgeous and he busts his ass to take care of us all. He doesn’t often yell and he doesn’t use his fists, and he doesn’t have a clue of what he’s worth… But he’s also an asshole. Like, the kind of asshole one can only be with a whole lot of practice, and that sucks. He’s opinionated and stubborn and a bit of a hypocrite when his mood is right.

He loves me, there’s no denying that, he just loves him more; and it’s a damn good thing I knew who he was when I married him or I might get a little bit pissed about that on days like today.

LOL..

I’m not pissed. Instead I’ll just resent the Hell out of him for ignoring me… and for putting himself first.. and for never being willing to compromise. But mostly, I to be real about it, I resent him for not having it in him to be the friend he promised me he would be.. because that’s who I’m looking for.

I miss my best friend and it’s not fair. If he would just tell me what the fuck the problem is.. I mean really.. I’m smart but I’m not a fucking mind reader.

Geez.

To top it off, I don’t think he even realizes how bad it is. I don’t think he sees it and that makes me feel so sad for him.. That he’s never had a love so big that it can tear apart your soul – and so he doesn’t feel it fading away..

How awful..

I feel it..

He used to glow when he smiled, like that buzz of excitement in him was alive.. I could literally sense him coming a mile away; and I was always the only one else the room.. until I wasn’t.

I miss that.

I miss him.

It’s not fair….

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Yesterday

So yesterday my two-weeks-from -turning-fifteen year old went out to the movies on her first solo date. The boy lives down the street and out families often attend church together. They’re good people and we’ve known them for most of his life.

Now, if you’ve ever read my stuff you know that we have managed to survive FOUR teenagers before her so I’ve had my share of first first dates. This one will officially be the last and I can hardly explain how totally sad I am about it…. but Gracie on the other hand. She was tickled pink to watch her sister get dressed and put her makeup on…

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Gracie who will never get to have that first first date. Gracie who will never get to have that first first kiss. Gracie who will never get married or have babies or live happily on her own…

Yea.. this last first date has really gotten me down..

I think..?

There are far better days ahead than those we leave behind us. – C. S. Lewis

* * * *

In recent months, after a couple of really long years – years spent being summarily dismissed and ignored – I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely possible to love another person without liking them even a little..

This, as a whole, makes horribly sad on so many levels that it’s almost indescribable. As I’ve heard it said, I can’t believe my knight in shining armor turned out to be such an asshole.. No, the saying actually refers to a retard in tin foil, but you get my drift..

I mean, what the Hell happened? Where did he go to, and Please Lord, WHY??

Did I do something wrong? Because , well, not to be super obvious, but if he’d just freaking tell me, then I’d know..

It’s like I’ve dropped the proverbial ball and now I’m being punished for some bad decision I can’t remember making somewhere down the line. How am I supposed to fix that? Ummmmm…. I’m not.

But I would if I could..

Sadly, I must be a glutton for punishment ’cause I’m still here.

✨”So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.” — Stephen Chbosky✨